Diary, here it goes. All about my life.

Well, just started off with my revised obu just now. when i look back and try to redo it, i don't know why but my hear doesn't feel good. making me think of asshole who "destroyed" my obu. i feel "fan" doing it, again. like so demotivating and at the same time feel scared i will fail again. touch wood.

this time, i am doing the obu all alone. no one with me to depend on, and i am not quite used to it. doing everything alone. but i kinda like it, to do it alone. i want to be more independent anyway. i am starting to dislike being dependent on others now. like as though i am a baby.

edc is going to start soon. this friday. now i really need to catch up with my studies and obu. alot for me t study and catch up with things. everything needs to be settled asap. next month, needs to hand in resume, obu, termination of hostel, etc. i don't think i am going to take CIA though. i think it is best for me to work first, and get my acca membership.

i actually want to venture into baking field though. my dream is to open up a bakery. so maybe CIA is not my thing.
honeslty, i am actually scared to go out and work. i can't imagine how my work life will be. but mum said there is nothing to be scared of. i need to start from somewhere anyway.

last week, i read yj's mail to ej, on june. it really make me cry when i read it. i didn't know yj hated me so much that time. mum was even very disappointed with me as her daughter. those sentences i read really hurt me alot. even until now those sentences are in my head, and i cant forget them at all.

mum said i have changed alot this 2-3 years. changed to be a different person. i know that too.
i actually don care about my family at all. i m selfish and only live in my own world. i don even do housework or hostel work. i feel terrible. i know i am a lousy sister and daughter. i don't know i only care about my studies and nothing else. is my life consider as meaningless as i only deal with studies?

lately, bin doesn't talk to me much too. she talks more to yx in college. i told ej this and she is not surprised with it. i dy "fan" bin with my bloody stupid break up problem last sem, nearing to finals, and still tell her that the asshole still send me mails, etc.
i thought she wants to hear about my problem, but now, i don think so. she is sick of it. if i were her, i will feel sick of it too. it is like as though my life is full of ppl's problems and nothing about my life.
sigh. what can i do now? friends come and go. perhaps she thinks i neglect her since i got km now. but the fact is i am not that close to km and he is only my friend. in my heart, i will choose my friends over him anyway. sigh.. i don't know la. i always have friendship problem every year. guess i just need to deal with it, and don't care so much about it.
if ppl don't like me, i can't do anything. i still need to be me and go on with my life.
i was just wondering, if my friends are envy of me, and my life. this sem, i have 2 ppl courting me, out of sudden. are they envy of me?

lately i don't even feel like taking pics much with friends. i don't want to insist to take pics with them, with me inside in every pic. they might think i am very full of myself, or think that "i know la, you very pretty, and want to be inside in every pic".
i don't know why but i have the feeling there are some of my friends who are envy of me. alot of ppl told me i m cute, pretty, attractive, smart, which every guy will want. but i don't think so at all. i a not that smart or pretty. i am blur, too honest and straight forward, dungu, getting to be fatter, etc. nothing good or great in me, why do they want to be envy of me right? this is impossible. now i dunno if bin got go sing k with my friends or not. i did tell her last week that don go sing k without me. if she really go sing k today, then i know that she doesn't care about me dy. nah, don go then nvm. i go with soemone else next time.

i know i have a bit of looks. i think i am too much of myself anyway. i am always scared of what others will think of me. like as though i want to be prefect in everyone's eyes, when i know there is no such thing as perfect in this world.

I AM WEIRD!

lately, i did know things about sg too, her life. i don't know but she is my motivation and inspiration. she is so independent now, and so wanna be a successful person in life. she got everything she wants in her life. she is so lucky. not like me, fail f5 and obu. =(
i dunno if i make such a big fuss when i failed. ppl always tell me that there are alot of opputunities in my life since i am still young. silly me right?

this sem is my last sem, i really want to graduate. i really want to work hard and pass all my last 3 papers and obu. all at one go. i really need to focus already. i don want to turn back like last time. i must not be affected by anything, anyone esp that asshole who always send me those stupid apology mails which are all lies and bullshits. i don even wanna keep in touch with her anymore. i must be like sg, who ignored all my sms and calls last time. haha.
i must not be soft hearted. so i will use sg's strategy although it did hurt me last time, to have her to ignore me and don want me as her friend. perhaps i am just a bad friend, that's why no one wants a friend like me. eg. i broke my promise to bernice last time, i guess she doesn't trust me anymore now. sigh. my fault.

i really need to stop online too much dy. i need to utilise my time fully now on studies and obu. i have stop blogging anyway except this as my diary. nothing much to facebook now anyway. so bored with fb, all full of kepoh stuffs and ppl's lives which is totally none of my biz, like what mum said. plus stop thinking and worrying about km too. swt!

okay. stop writing diary for now. back to studying mood.

STOP BEING FULL OF MYSELF!